Tragedy: Some Understanding.

As this week has unfolded I have been in shock. I was shocked in December as well, and other times when tragedy strikes, at how people respond. Having endured a serious trauma/tragedy situation myself, I would like to think that I have some sort of insight into what it means to have your life change in a split second into something you could never have previously imagined. The circumstances are vastly different, yes of course, but there is a still a string that ties tragedy together.

After lots of reflection, I have decided to offer up some small suggestions for how to help. So often after something traumatic people blubber about because they don't know what to say, they don't know what to do, and they have absolutely no idea how to help...but they desperately want to. What often results is things being said that should never be said, things that do more harm than good, things that haunt those who are in the midst of enduring the tragedy itself because now they have even more to deal with than before. What is often well-meaning can feel like a sword straight through the heart that leaves someone slowly bleeding instead of offering them a hand and helping them continue to stand.

Do I know everything? No. Do I have something to offer that I think is somewhat universal? Yes. After talking with several friends, family members, and colleagues who have endured tragic circumstances I have discovered that there are tenets that are the same, no matter what. There are things to do and things to say, no matter what. And there are things to never say, things that never help, things that people can perfectly recall years later because they were oh-so-bad.

The problem is that people don't know what helps and what doesn't. So, here are a few small things...a few small ways to move forward and help the person in the midst of tragedy. Please know that I do not mean any of this personally. We all do and say stupid things in the midst of difficult crap...so if you said one of these things or did one of these things, I am not harboring a grudge. Life happens, and sometimes we don't do the right or best thing. But if I say nothing, I am not helping the next person in the midst of tragedy. To me, that is worse than potentially offending someone.


So here is it, the golden rule of tragedy and trauma: This isn't about you.

Breathe deep. Sit up straight. Think it through.

This is not about you. At all. Tragedy is about the people in the midst of it. In our case, Kennan and I were the epicenter of the tragedy. Of course our families and friends had a stake in what happened to us because they love us and care for us....but it was not about anyone but Kennan and I. Period.

This translates into a lot of truths. I recently read an article that talked about taking the people in the tragedy and putting them in the middle circle. Keep drawing circles outward putting the next people affected by whatever has happened (fire, illness, death, etc.). When dealing with tragedy never dump in, dump out. The people in the center can dump - it is their loss, their tragic situation - and they have the right to say what they need to say and do what they need to do. Obviously there are limits, but you have to allow the person who is directly dealing with the traumatic situation to vent, to scream, to cry, and to tell it like it is. Why? Because it isn't about you. At all. It is about the person or people in the middle.

So, how does this translate into what to say and what to do? Here is what I have gleaned from our lives and the lives of others:

::Do not talk about how hard it is for you unless it is to someone in a circle further out than you. Don't dump in. In our situation, that would mean that you would not talk to Kennan and I about how hard the fire was for you. Why? Because the people in the middle honestly don't care at all about how hard it is for you. They are sick, their home has burned to the ground, their loved one just died. It isn't about how hard it is for you when you are dealing directly with them. Of course our parents and friends struggled with how this affected their lives...of course! But this struggle should always be to someone who is not in the center. Whenever people would talk to us about how hard our fire was for them, we both wanted to either a) curse, b) run away, c) cry, or d) punch the person in the face. (Kennan concurs with me on this.) Again, it is ok to say these things, but dump out - do not dump in. The trauma is not about you unless you are in the center of the circle.

::Stop and think before speaking. Seriously. We are such a fast paced society that we don't think. Stop. Consider the person's situation. Then - and this is really important - take away everything in your brain that you have been taught in church, in school, etc. to say. In other words, take away the cliche statements. Literally tell your brain not to say them. Then, put yourself in their position. Honestly consider what you would do if your life was their life. Take the time to really consider. What would help you? What would hurt you? What would you need? Then do that.

We are afraid to show emotion. We are afraid of trauma. If it happens to someone close to us, it could happen to us. So we respond with these pat answers that hurt people. I have talked to people whose home burned down who can remember the pat things people said to them right after - in detail. Why? Because it was that hurtful. You do not want to be that person. No one does. So just think. If your home burned to the ground what would you want people to say? What would you want them to do? What would you need? Then follow through. It will always be more meaningful if you take a moment and step into someone else's shoes.


::Wait. Pause. DO NOT FIX. Do you hear me? Wait. Pause. DO NOT FIX. Say this over and over and over again to yourself until you are blue in the face if you have to.

We are a quick fix society. Something bad happens, put a band-aid on it as fast as you can. A bomb blows up in Boston and later the same day people are talking about all the good things people did in the midst of the tragedy. Yes, there were amazing heroes that day. There were phenomenal teachers in December who stepped in front of gunfire to try to save children. These heroes deserve to be recognized.

But, after having lived something that seemed unliveable, here is my take: we need to learn to sit in the grief and horror. We are so fast to move on that anything that resembles struggle and tragedy causes us to immediately look for the "good" in the situation or to find a band-aid to slap on so we can get back to smiling.

In the midst of our trauma we just wanted people to pause with us. We didn't want fixing, we wanted people to sit in the ashes with us and say "Yes, this stinks. A lot." There is a time for looking at the good. For us? We weren't home. It wasn't the middle of the night. We don't have children and didn't have pets. Our move cost less. We had renter's insurance (THANK YOU MOM). There was some small good. But it didn't outweigh the bad and it still doesn't outweigh the bad. While these good things are true, they will never take away from the horrible tragedy - and that is ok. We are on the other side, and we are okay. But right after? We weren't ok...and people were expecting us to be ready to purchase new everything within a few days. We hadn't even wrapped our heads around it, we were still in shock, and people were trying to set up our house.

It was too fast. It is too fast. Something I hear time and time again from others after loss and tragedy is that people move on and you are stuck sitting with the junk yourself. People care for a day or up to a month maybe. Family and close friends care for longer. But people stop asking. People stop helping. People move on so quickly....and you are still sitting in the muck in shock while everyone else has moved on.

Please, please, please dear ones. Stop. Wait. Take a breath. Sit in silence. Do not immediately bring up the good....let the bad be still. Let the tragedy happen. Let the people in the center feel what they need to feel and do not force them to move on before they are ready (unless we are talking about a clinical or psychological issue - then get help fast). Do not be pushy in your efforts to help. If you sense a wall, then stop and be quiet. Do not think that what you think is best actually is best. Go back to the beginning, put yourself in the shoes of the one you are trying to help, and simply stand beside them.

Tragedy is overwhelming, so just let it be what it is, overwhelming. I promise that the people in the center will be thankful. Sit down in the ashes and let yourself feel the horrible-ness that it is. Feel the ick, feel the gross, allow yourself to commiserate.

Then, be thankful. Be thankful for your life, for your health, for your family, for your possessions. Again, though, don't mention these things to the person in the center, not right now. But allow your body and emotions to feel the thankfulness. That is ok. Be grateful for where you are in your life. We could all use a little more grateful....just don't expect the people in the middle to feel the grateful right away. Allow them awhile to come around and don't push - but feel it yourself. Look at your life and smile if you have something to smile about. Remember that this too could happen to you, and appreciate the things around you in full. Please.

I would love to have my cracked brown dishes, my hideous potholders, Kennan's stinky fencing gear, my picture of a beautiful young girl in Ecuador, Kennan's artwork, our wedding photos, my quilts, and my 10 year old beat up sweatshirt. Even with all my beautiful new things I miss the old. I have learned to accept this while also being grateful for my beautiful new items.

So look around you. Breathe in the beauty and allow yourself to feel the gratitude. You never know what tomorrow brings.

If this blog post helps you at all, I am grateful. If you think it would help someone else in the midst of struggle, please share it. I would love to help people take care of others in a healthier manner and to hug those in the midst of junk. It is important that we figure out better ways to respond and better ways to love others.