I realized something yesterday. I don't feel stressed at all. It is December 21, and I am totally fine. There isn't pressure. There aren't major deadlines. My stomach doesn't hurt. I made caramels two days ago and I've only had one. I'm not craving sugar. Life isn't frantic and harried.
For the first time in 10 years I'm not packing up to go anywhere for Christmas. Since college days, the end of December has meant packing and traveling. At first, it was just to go home to my parents house. Then, it was to visit the fiance's family too. Then, I suddenly also had three families too. And so, we visited everyone at Christmastime. Sometimes before, sometimes after, but we typically have seen everyone at Christmas. There has been one year when that has not occurred.
There is a lot of peace and freedom in not packing up and heading out. There is joy that I can enjoy Christmas in my own place. And then, the guilt sets in. Because, see, my parents are coming, so we obviously will be spending serious time with them. But we don't get to see our siblings. And we don't get to see K's parents. This makes me sad, it really does. There has been a sort of rhythm to our Christmas season. We pack up and depart three times each year, and in each location there is a rhythm to life. A way things happen. Despite all the stress of all the packing up and everything, I enjoy that rhythm. I love seeing the faces of family opening gifts we got for them. I love hugging the people who mean so much to me.
But the peace of just being where I am is really wonderful. I find this to be the hardest part of being an adult. We choose where we live. We choose what our traditions are. We choose how we want our home to be. There is peace and joy in those things. There is also the side of me who wants to be with family, wants to be near them, especially at this time of year.
This whole saga makes it hard to know what we'll do in the years to come. There is peace and joy in both choices, just different kinds. No matter what, though, it is good to know that I will truly miss seeing K's family this Christmas. It is good to know I love them and they are now my family too.
Peace on this winter solstice day, friends. We are halfway out of the dark. A pertinent thought for both solstice time and Christmas time.
2 comments:
Well said, friend. And can I just say that I envy your lack of travel plans. "Home" for the holidays has changed meaning for me over the years. Enjoy the peace!
Alaina, I totally get it! Though I really miss family, especially this time of year, it is SO PEACEFUL to be home here with our own little family...making our own traditions, not being stressed with travel and big gatherings. Another positive side to being far from extended family is the opportunity it brings to open our home and hearts to those who could really use some hospitality at Christmastime. Have a blessed Christmas...and enjoy the time with your folks! :-)
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