...did I end up here?
I work at a job I really do not like and there is no potential for benefits. Ever.
I live in an apartment with people above us who are loud and a bit frightening.
I eat seafood at least two times every week.
...and the list could go on and on and on.
I had a bit of a breakdown the other evening. Basically it boils down to this: how is it that I am 28 years old and none of the dreams have happened yet? What exactly happened here? Why did I let it happen?
And on and on it goes.
The rattling in my head can be incessant at times. God bless Kennan. Really.
I am a humongous goal setter and a long term thinker. These things don't work well when you want to get things done. For example: My goal is to not have debt. So, I think about how much debt we are in. Then I look at our budget. Then I freak out. Then I decide we are never, ever going to get out of debt. Then I want to eat Cheetos, which decidedly infringes on other goals in my life like the whole "be healthy" and "want to have children" thing.
So nothing changes. Because I forget to look at the small picture.
One of the goals of 2012 for us is to pay off a specific amount of debt. We have now turned this into some bite sized morsels for each week, month, even day of the year. Although I still think the actual number is impossible in the big picture, in the small moments of everyday I actually think it is possible. So maybe it will happen.
The problem is that it means there isn't extra money. For travel. For vacation. For going out. For buying fabric. To fix the car. To move from this apartment. Etc. You get the idea.
In theory, I am okay with this. I am okay with sucking it up for a year and then feeling free in the years to come. But it is going to suck the big kahuna. And people are going to be mad that we don't come to visit.
However, I'm tired of feeling like things will never happen and then not ever doing things to actually make them happen. So here's to walking 60 minutes every day and giving every. single. one. of my paychecks over to the debt. And looking for about 15 more hours of work. And hoping I can find a job in the summertime. And there I go again freaking out.
But it will be okay, somehow. I really, really think.
6 comments:
While we're not having to deal with the snow as much so far this winter (knock on wood), in many ways I feel like we're in the same boat.
To be clear, I definitely still believe we made the right choice to move to Joliet, for a number of reasons. However, I severely underestimated the job market, and didn't think I would still be looking for something at this point. So it's hard to deal with having that expectation unmet, to not have that dream fulfilled. It's certainly not where I thought I would be at this point in my life.
And as for the debt... well, let's just say I can relate to you there too. :-) If I can offer a little encouragement, it would be the old Chinese (I believe) proverb: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Yes, the overall picture is intimidating, but you'll never get anywhere if you're too frozen in fear to act.
That thousand mile journey will still stay a thousand miles if you refuse to move, but with the choices you've made at least now you're making progress, even if it is a step at a time. Those steps will start adding up, and even though it's hard to have a little less financial freedom at this point, it will be worth it when you have less debt and are eventually debt free.
At least that's what I keep telling myself right now. :-)
EDIT: I had posted this and then wanted to make an edit but for some reason I couldn't figure it out. So I had to copy, delete, paste and then make my edit. Just in case you were wondering why I deleted my comment. :-)
Yeah, I think this time of year especially is when everyone feels about the same way...with whatever goals they may have, and I know for most everyone that includes getting rid of debt and being healthy. It's the time of year when we are trying to keep up our New Year's resolutions, which we all know are old years' resolutions that we gave up on the year before :) Okay, maybe thats not entirely true, but I guess what I'm trying to say is: I understand :)
Thanks for your prayers for our journey. I'll be sending some prayers for peace your way, too. Love you, dear friend.
Jeff - I actually like the snow, it just cracks me up that I live in Alaska. I'm still not sure how that happened. And I totally get you about the move. We knew we should move to Homer and we love it here, and Kennan loves his new job, but I'm still not finding a place. It makes it really hard.
Sarah - I wish I could hug you. That is all. :)
I wish I could hug you too!
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