The Questions

There are lots of questions that get asked of me every day at work and at home. I swear that sometimes even my cat is asking me where the hell I have been all day. He has an attitude, that one, and he doesn't particularly enjoy being alone.

As I have gotten older there are some questions that have suddenly become fair game, such as: When are you going to buy a house? When are you going to have children? Where do you go to church?

The answer to these queries is that I have no answer. Sometimes it gets exhausting to even think about these questions because having no answer feels uncomfortable. Being forthright and open about how I feel about the American church and the American dream can quickly turn into an ugly conversation so I tend to just smile and nod and typically make something up.

That is not a good solution, folks. It is never a good solution to 'make something up' so that everybody isn't uncomfortable. Sometimes, though, in the midst of living life I try to smile my way out of the questions because if people knew the truth they might be uncomfortable. I do not enjoy making people feel uncomfortable, so I answer as quickly as possible or I make Kennan answer.

The truth to the questions is that we do not have a house because we do not have a down payment. The reason we do not have a down payment is because we have prioritized paying off our school debt in lieu of buying a house. Not everyone does this, and that is fair. For us, debt feels like a noose that gets tighter as the years wear on. Each year the strings pull more, even though the debt itself is getting smaller. To add more debt to that, even if the American way of life deems it to be 'good' debt, just is not in the cards for us right now. Truthfully, I am okay with that. There are days where living in town makes me cringe and I really wish we had 2 vehicles some of the time. I am striving to be content even in this circumstance and remembering that I can walk to work and we have a good roof over our heads until next June.

The truth is that we don't have kids yet for a myriad of reasons. One being the debt and our belief that we would really like one of us to stay home with the kiddos full time. That doesn't mean we can't both work, but it will mean some creative scheduling on our parts. Kennan was homeschooled and we are planning to homeschool our children at least at the beginning, therefore someone will have to be with the children to educate them. (And love them and cook them food and, and, and.) We're getting much closer, but we also have the issue of health care deductibles and having enough cash saved up for a birth. No matter where birth takes place it costs a pretty penny and there needs to be a penny saved to pay for it.

The truth is that we aren't attending church right now. There are myriads of reasons for this as well. One is that I do not want to be Reformed or Christian Reformed at this point, and that is the majority of options where I live. I would prefer to be Episcopal at this particular point in life, but that means driving a significant distance. I work every 3rd weekend, so that adds to the equation. Also? Church feels fake and frustrating to me much of the time. I read the gospels, I see the church, and I weep. I am not at a point where I can 'be the change within' or 'fight the mainstream'. I do not have the fight in me right now and I also cannot justify exclusion in the name of Jesus. So while we definitely believe and we have sincere faith, we don't attend church. Right now, I'm ok with that. As the years march on that will change. This question is a constant part of our own personal conversations together. We discuss it, question it, try to work up the courage to try church again, and then quietly decide maybe not.

Life is a series of constant questions.