Pastoral Shoes

Well, I have been walking in my pastoral shoes for a little over 3 months. I have gone through the first round of evaluations, disagreements, and moved past the honeymoon period of pastoral life.

So now I am sitting and processing as I look at the landscape of what will be the rest of my life. Do I really want to wear these pastoral shoes for all this time? Is God really calling me to do this? What are my gifts? What about my family - my future children - my husband - the fact that I work on holidays and Sundays? Big questions. No good answers.

One thing that I have decided fairly concretely is that God is definitely calling me to ministry. This is something I questioned before my internship, so for this answer I am thankful. Things that I like in ministry are different than the things I thought I would enjoy. I actually enjoy preaching, administering sacraments, and dealing with the 'mess' surrounding family issues. I enjoy processing through what God is envisioning this church to be and watching the Spirit work miracles in people's lives. I do not like office work, sitting in the same chair for hours, announcements in church, constant emailing (I feel like if I don't have time to respond to people I'm a goner), committee meetings and having the same conversation again and again.

I believe in the priesthood of all believers. Sometimes this causes problems. Many people seem to not actually want to live this out. This to me means that every person of faith is equipped to certain ministries and that God is in charge. This means that I trust that others can handle some things that are typically 'pastor' things to do. I do not feel the need to watch over them - they can do it themselves because I believe the Spirit works in all people, not just me. Some people take issues with this - they really want me to be an 'authority' figure. I don't really want to.

But I love God's church. And I love when people allow God to be in complete charge of the church. I love listening to the Spirit's guidance and seeing the Spirit transform lives. I have learned more about God in these few short months than I did in seminary (which I am sure is heretical...) because I am actually doing what I have been talking about doing for 2 years. And it is exciting, it is fun, it is painful, it hurts, I love it, I hate it, it makes me cry, it makes me laugh, but God is in charge. And I am still walking in my pastoral shoes. My identity is being shaped into the person I am called to be. I'm just trusting that I'm hearing correctly...