Constant Struggle

This week has been exceedingly difficult. Some people I know from seminary lost their little baby girl Evie earlier this week due to some heart issues. It is difficult to be so far away from my seminary community. Grief and sadness are hard things to deal with all alone. I discovered how much I love the community at the seminary and how much I actually miss them.

I also realized this week that I am half done with my internship. This is really difficult. I love these people; they have become my friends, my family, and it is a joy to serve them. I don't know how I am going to leave them when this year is through. How is it that you love people, serve them, and then just leave them? I consider it a blessing that I am enjoying, learning, growing, and loving my internship. But I have to leave.

I am preaching this Sunday. In the midst of this struggle is the constant thinking about the text, John 5. The constant processing and thinking, the writing and rewriting, the prayers that this sermon will touch someone's life and that God will speak through me in some miraculous way. Writing sermons is difficult. It takes a lot of work.

I am also thinking about my call. Being in ministry is really hard work. This is not to say that other jobs aren't, because I believe everything has difficulty. But I don't know if I can physically live this life indefinitely. I just feel tired. Some of this is because I am used to a 4 day class week and numerous breaks throughout the year. Just getting onto a regular person work schedule is taxing. Some of this fatigue is being far from my friends. However, most of it is because this is hard work. Just because this work is hard does not mean that this work is bad, but I am again wondering if this is it. Some days I love it, some days I don't.

A constant struggle this life is. Believing and hoping that there will be restoration and redemption. Seeing ugliness and sin all around in the world and in the church. Trying to reconcile the message of Jesus with the day to day life of people. Knowing there is something better and struggling to live and act like it.

I am also struggling because I don't get to spend Christmas with my family. There, I admitted it. That feels better. It makes me sad to know I can't see my parents and brother at Christmastime. I need to get over it, but it is a struggle for me.