Well, orientation has happened, students are here, and I am exhausted. How I really feel is tired, homesick, weepy, sad, and confused. I feel like this picture actually. I feel like there is lots of beauty around me, there is some sun shining in, but the road in front of me leads to somewhere I've never seen, somewhere rocky that hurts my feet, somewhere that, quite honestly, I'm not sure I want to go anymore.People keep telling me that this is normal, which is true. People get homesick when they move far away. Life seems confusing and chaotic when everything around you changes. There is no rhyme or reason to what happens, feelings just come out of every crevice.
I feel lost. In my head I look and see that there are lots of places where God called us to be here. But I don't know why we're supposed to be here and I'm not sure I like it. It may be the homesickness talking and it may be something more, I honestly don't know. I don't understand this different culture and it takes lots of effort and work to get anything accomplished. I just want to be safe, but that isn't how God rolls.
We talked in church this morning about the 3 things that mark Christians. For some reason, they are absurdly happy most of the time somewhere deep inside. They are completely fearless because they have a guide. The third was that they are always in trouble. Right now, I don't really feel happy. I definitely don't feel fearless. But I feel like I'm in lots of trouble. Way over my head trouble. Way more than anything I expected trouble. Things crashing down around me trouble.
I want to say I'll be okay and the truth is that I probably will. But right now I just need to be honest and say that I am tired. God is here, but I am tired.
5 comments:
I love you. I'm sorry you're hurting. Also, I don't want to be cliche or make things worse, so I'm not going to write anything else except that you should know you have been and are on my mind a lot this month--really.
And what was the scriptural basis for being absurdly happy?
Someone once told me to look at it this way- its always better to wonder "What Now?" than to wonder "What If". In this case I think it may be true, and I think in the long run it will all be worth it. That doesn't make it easier, but hopefully it will make you remember your worth and unseen impact. Its always been true for me!
love always- sarah anne
I love you Alaina and I'm praying for you!!!
Clarissa,
There wasn't any definitive scriptural basis for the absurdly happy thing. It was an episcopal church so the guy definitely didn't mean it in a dorky, evangelical kind of way. If you were there it made sense...but I see how it probably looks. I think he really meant absurd joy, instead of happy. I think joy is something we do have, deep down, but happy is maybe the wrong term...what do you think?
Hang in there! Miss you lots and wish we could go for a walk.
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