This new life also means that there is sadness because I miss people from the old life. It is a confusing place to be, this middle ground. I miss these people, so much:
My family, beautiful in its wind blown-ness, at a BBQ they threw for me. They invited my entire family and we ate and played games and had fun. Those are people who care, people who love. People who would throw an expensive party for their crazy daughter who is moving far away, even though they wish she would just stop moving and live nearby. That is love. I miss these faces.
I miss these people. My college friends who are still there. They used to all live in one place, but now they too, have spread across the map. Here we are, enjoying just one last night together, trying to remember why we don't all live in one big place. Who knows when we'll be together again...
These faces, the faces of people who have meant survival, love, and care to me in the last year and a half. The people whose union I sanctioned myself. (still unbelieveable)
I really want to have deep friendships. The kind where you are honest, you can cry, you can freak out, you can just be mad, and the person on the other side of the table still loves you and comes back again later that week. At the same time, it is hard to imagine having new friends when I really want to stay close to all the old ones. Change is hard, and I'm in the midst of deciphering and processing what this particular change means for me. For us.I really do like Alaska. I think I like what I'm doing, but I think that judgment is better left until this year is through and I can honestly and adequately evaluate and process everything. This new life is difficult, because I want the people from the old life in the new life. Phone talking is so awkward because everybody knows that everything is different, but yet the same. So you talk, and everything is the same, but everything is different. And no one wants to talk about it, because it really hurts that everything is different, and still the same. It is an unspoken friendship rule, apparently.
There are obviously more people I miss and love, many more. This new life is grandiose and large. This new life is also hard to imagine and difficult to fathom.
God, breathe life into my new life. And into my old life.
2 comments:
I'm right there with you. Change is hard and I miss my friends so much. Even though phone conversations can be awkward, I am looking forward to having one with you. I miss seeing you around and sharing life on a regular basis with you. But let's stay friends even though we are apart.
I admit I sort of feel like I’m betraying my old friends every time I make a new one. Silly? Probably, but you know that the more people you love, the harder it gets to make time for all of them. Also, talking with new friends about old friends can be awkward, even when you’re both completely okay with the other person being happy in their new spot with their new friends. I am definitely right there right now.
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