Ramblings in the Dark

I went to Iowa. I'm back from Iowa now. It was good and it was hard. The trip itself was fine, despite crazy blizzards and wind on both ends. While in Iowa, I spent a lot of time thinking about the importance of family in my life and the pieces of the puzzle that led to moving so far away from them. I realized that I can't remember how I got where I am today. I am not sure if that is good or bad, but it is true.

I also recognized a sincere sense of belonging nowhere. I had people tell me that I belong to the family of God. This is true, but right now it is not helpful information. In Iowa, I belong to a set of people who love me through thick and thin. But I still don't belong there...I don't quite fit completely anymore because parts of me have moved on. While I was in O'Hare, I felt a unique sense of belonging because there were many cultures. There was busyness, craziness, cityness if you will. I belong in some senses to that crazy city-ness, but I don't fit there either because I like quiet and simple living which is a difficult thing with millions of people within a few short miles.

However, when I started to consider coming back to Alaska I was unable to sleep at night because I really do not have a sense of belonging here either. It hasn't been very long and we really don't have any friends. We have people we know. We have people we work with (who are kind of friends, but can't be really friends because you work with them, which makes everything complicated and wierd). We sort of belong to our little misfit church, but we aren't really Episcopalian, so we don't really belong there either. We're also really young in that crowd, which is fun, but makes us misfits. We don't have kids, so we don't get invited to lots of things because families do things kids will like. It is easy to forget the people who don't have kids. We aren't offended, we just know this to be true. It is extremely difficult to feel like you don't belong.

I know for sure that I belong with Kennan. Where he is, I am, and vice versa. We don't do well without each other anymore. We aren't the kind of people who can flit about all week and not see one another. We just can't do it. We belong together. This much is clear. But our little house doesn't really fit us very well....and we don't feel a sense of belonging. I haven't even hung pictures on the walls...

As I have really wrestled and wondered about belonging I have wondered if you belong in places or with people. The people in life that I really fit with are all fairly far away. Does new belonging crop up in life? Do you just have to wait? How long do you have to wait? Is it ever easy - even for a second?

I have also realized, that with all its faults, the place I have felt the most belonging ever was when we were in Decorah. Life was not perfect, not by a long shot. But despite the major crisis within our personal life and within the church, we belonged. We made friends easily, even though we were only there a short time. We just belonged in a way that cannot be described except to know that we really fit there. The ache of leaving still hurts. Although I'm not sure I will ever move back there, pieces of me really want to. Because life could be a little easier. A little smoother.

I am really wondering about belonging. I am wondering about the last few years of my life. I am thinking about the things I believe and why. I wonder about the people I listened to and why. I am thinking about goals and hopes for 2010 and wondering what it all means.

I hope, this fourth day of Christmas, that you belong somewhere. It really is helpful.