Reminding

I find myself lately sitting on my couch reminding myself of things I already know. A lot.

This is one of the biggest frustrations about being human. I forget things. Sometimes I even intentionally forget things. So I can complain. So I can whine. So I can have my own way. So people will believe me.

My reminders for today:

1) God has not forgotten about me. Even if it feels true. Even if God feels so far away and has felt far away for months. Even though I have no idea what I am doing, where I am going, or why. God has not forgotten me.

2) I am supposed to be here. Even though it drives me nuts. Even though sometimes I sob for hours. (That is NOT an exaggeration). Even though my heart aches. Even though I feel rubbed raw like there is sandpaper scraping me ALL the time. Even though I haven't found that one friend. Even though I just don't get it. Even though there is lots of anger. Even though there is a barely visible light at the end of this tunnel. For now, this is right. Even though...

3) That I don't always know what is best. It is very easy for me to get on a high horse, thinking I know the answers. It is a sinful personality problem learned early on in life. Even though I may disagree, it is sometimes my job to follow. That is my job now. Even though I think I'm right and they are wrong. Even though I feel humiliated and broken down. Even though I feel like I am constantly on trial. It isn't my job. I'm not in control. That is okay.

4) I am 26. I am an adult. I am somewhat mature. Even though it has been made very clear that I am YOUNG. Even though I don't have kids. Even though I've never not been in school except for the last 6 months. Even though I don't have my finances figured out. Even though I cuss sometimes. Even though I might watch a rated R movie. Even though I might not have what some would consider 'mature' life goals or 'mature' theology. That is okay. Really. Because different people see life differently. This is what makes us unique. This is what makes God so flipping cool. I am 26. And that is a good place for me to be right now.

Reminding myself. Constantly reminding. It is okay that I have a questioning personality. I just maybe need to keep certain questions to myself. Filter, as it were. It is okay that I am a little too honest sometimes, I just need to figure out who is safe and who is welcoming. It is okay that I am who I am, I just need to understand that not everyone will like me. But some people love me, and that is enough.

Reminding myself of what is true is important.