Peace. Perfect Peace?

I have been thinking a lot recently. Being so far away from family and friends has afforded me some good things in life (not a lot of grand things, mind you, but some interesting things).

Throughout this last year as I have attempted (and mostly failed) at making new friends, I have recognized some things about myself.

1. I don't always play nice. If you oppress me, treat me like a child, tell me who I have to be, or start going on about 'what God says' like you are the authority and God only speaks through you, then I probably am going to tell you how it is.

2. If you are a leader in the church and you tell me 'well, maybe you can preach or teach eventually but we're not really prepared for that yet and it would offend people' then I'm probably going to tell you how it is.

3. When everything is about God, I get annoyed. Now...hear me out. I actually do believe everything is about God. It is the way I try (and fail) to live my life. I see God everywhere, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about it ALL THE TIME. Sometimes, you can just play a game and have fun, reveling in the joy. Sometimes, you can just stand outside, marveling at how it is light at midnight, and revel in the difference in places. It just feels so fake when every little thing has to become a theological treatise. Like whether to buy a motorcycle, but I digress.

4. When people tell me what words I should say and which words I shouldn't say, I get frustrated. Like when I say 'oh my gosh' and someone tells me I shouldn't say that because it is a way of taking God's name in vain. Then the same person says 'shit' and that is fine. What gives? I am an adult. I know what words mean. Thank you very much. (Again, treating me like a child).

Basically, what I have learned this year is that I just can't be quiet. When I see injustice, oppression, biblical mandates that I believe to be false, or just real stupidity or racism...I say something.

And that ticks people off.

God created me to be a strong woman. Period. This is who I am. I probably won't change.

I've been under a rock for a long time now, trying to become someone I'm not.

I probably shouldn't do that.

I make lots of people angry when I am myself. Because I say unpopular things that are apparently 'liberal'. And, just for your information, liberal in Alaska is like....conservative in Iowa. Can you see a problem?

I spoke with a friend recently, while I was visiting Iowa, and she shared some of her struggles of trying to fit in with the church. Most times, she has felt like she doesn't belong, so she has chosen to sort of make her own way in the world. A strong Christian, she has found her place, her 'church' where two or three are gathered in the name of Christ. I see nothing wrong with this. And that is the point.

I am so disheveled by trying to be someone I am not that I eat too much, I don't exercise, I get depressed. I spend too much money on things I don't need, trying to make myself feel better.

I am a woman who needs to figure some junk out. But figuring it out means losing people, losing safety, losing direction.

I am so tired of apologizing for who I am. So tired.