Adoption, Money, Life, and Truth

There is no secret here, Kennan and I are going to adopt children. At this point, probably all of them will be adopted if there is financial means to support that goal. The current idea in the Archer house is to have more than 2 children, maybe even 6, but after there is one child we will see how we feel. I like to leave my options open.

Here is a short summary of what happens when we tell people we are planning to adopt, at least one of these things happens:

1.Can you not have children? Have you been tested?

2.Why would you do that? The two of you would have such cute kids!

3.You should have at least one that is your own or you'll be missing something.

4.Do you know how people who cannot have children feel when people like you who could have kids adopt instead of having your own? You should think about that.

5.Don't you want kids who look like you and are your own?

The list goes on. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. Which makes the whole thing much more frustrating that it otherwise would be.

Here is what I don't understand about this whole business:

In regards to #1: Since when is it other people's business what is happening with our reproductive organs? Or our sex life? Why is it that it is okay to ask someone if they are infertile? And why is infertility the only reason to adopt children?

In regards to #2: So maybe we would have cute kids. That is not a relevant factor in this decision. Cuteness is not what calls me to have or not have children. Love is what compels me to have children. I can explain why I want to adopt, but chances are that if you are asking me this question you don't really want the answer.

In regards to #3: How exactly will I be missing something? I think this is kind of rude. I'm sure that biologically there is a connection that happens - I don't doubt that carrying and birthing a child is an amazing experience for both husband and wife. I don't doubt that it is phenomenal to see something that is a part of you, yet a part of your spouse, yet also a new human being. It is true that I cannot imagine what that is like because it has never happened to me. BUT to say that adopting a child means that they will not be my own, that they will not be my children, is an unacceptable response. Almost every person I know who has adopted (with one exception) says that there is a connection that cannot be broken - that life changes when you get the photo of your child in the mail - or when you see their face for the first time. They are yours. Family is family. Plus - if adoption isn't an acceptable way to become part of a family, then God's family is not really a family - because we've all been adopted into that family. This response also makes me frustrated because it is saying that somehow, children who are adopted are loved less because they are not 'your own'. This somehow implies that biological children will be loved more and treated better - which scares me. That is not okay. In most (not all, but most) of the adopted families I know, everyone is loved and treated equally.

In regards to #4: I understand that there are many people out there who would give their right arm to biologically carry and birth a child. I understand that this is really difficult. I can't imagine how it feels to want that so badly and to not receive it. To be honest, I have no idea if we can have children. We've never intentionally tried. So maybe we can't, I don't know. But here again, I understand that some people will not understand my choice. But I don't understand some choices that other people make either. I don't understand spending thousands and thousands of dollars on fertility treatments when there are millions of children who need a home. But it is okay that I don't understand, because I am not the one going through the treatments. I don't need to understand, I just need to love people for who they are.

In regards to #5: No. It doesn't matter if they look like me or Kennan. Although Kennan is rather cute. What matters is that they are family. Racism doesn't play a part in our family-making. God's family is filled with people from everywhere, so I think true family can happen no matter who you are and what you look like. Cultural difference matters. Teaching children about who they are and where they come from is exceedingly important. Acknowledging differences in cultural and skin color will be part of life, but that doesn't mean we can't be family.

With all of this said, this is hard stuff. We really want to adopt and we really feel like we are ready to have a family. But we have a house-full of debt from graduate school that is far from being paid off. And we need 2 salaries to do that. We barely make it financially as it is. We're saving for adoption, and we're almost halfway to the first chunk of money we'll need. It is a frustrating endeavor in a lot of ways - to wait and wait and wait for the thing we are called to do. In all honesty, it would probably be easier to get pregnant...and it would take less time and money.

This isn't to make us sound holier than thou. We're not. At all. We just really believe this is how God has called us to have a family. God has made it pretty clear. Abundantly crystal clear, in fact.

But it is hard to wait. And know that there are millions of orphans in the world, waiting to have someone love them and wrap their arms around them. Millions of kids dying every day, when I have so much and they have nothing. To know that somewhere, there is a young woman making the difficult choice to give up her baby, a choice that is anything but easy. To know that someday, I will have the opportunity to love her child. I only wish that day was today. I think I might be good at it.