Struggles and Joy

There are always parts of me that sincerely hope that I am not crazy. That I am normal, that things I think and feel are things that other people also ponder and consider. I like to believe that everyone feels this way sometimes.

There is so much joy in my life right now. We have 3 construction students who are here. They are solid, they are disciples of Christ, and they are not addicted to any drugs or alcohol. This is an amazing, God-given thing. We had spiritual formation class and it was fun, exciting, hysterical, and good. I can truly say that I enjoy them immensely.

We have lots of young women interested in our office training program. They just need to fill out their paperwork. But it is exciting. They will be a wonderful addition to our little community.

And yet, with all of this joy, with all of this goodness, with the sun (FINALLY) shining in my window, I am still sad in my deepest parts. Some of this sadness is because summer has ended and we never really had summer. It rained a record number of days here. Some of this sadness is because we had visitors all summer, which was a blessing, but also a curse. Kennan and I didn't have any time to explore and adventure on our own and winter is fast approaching. Some of this sadness is because we still don't have friends here. We know people, but we don't have any real bosom friends. How long can you live somewhere without someone who gets you and understands? I don't know how much longer I can make it, to be honest. Talking on the phone to friends is great (when I remember to call them back) but it isn't enough. My heart still breaks over the friends that are far away. In Africa. In Massachusetts. In Colorado. In Iowa. In Oregon. In Minnesota. In North Carolina. The list goes on. Some of this sadness is because when I open pieces of myself to people around here I get maligned. I get treated like I will grow out of it, or like I am crazy, etc. This really isn't an exaggeration. I don't fit in.

Why would God call you to a place where you don't fit in? At all?

Do other people feel this way? I am naturally a questioner. I like to wonder and think and ask. It is part of my created self. It is something that doesn't change, no matter my stage of life. But is this normal? That is the question on deck.