There's also a secret reason. We're ready to have children and we can't afford them naturally or adoptionally (is that a word?).
So, I check the job sites every day. I call people. I'm not pushy, which might be my problem. But I also live in small town Alaska where everybody knows everybody. And they don't know me. I'm not exactly offended, but I do have a master's degree. So theoretically I should be able to do things like understand computer programs, type fairly decently, and in general be able to figure things out.
Also, my resume states my education. I think it would be wrong not to include it. And Masters of Divinity? Well...let's just say that people sort of start to hem and haw when they see it. I guess they assume that I'm either a crazy feminist or I'm going to try to convert them. Neither of these things is true, but in small town Alaska where many people haven't ever lived elsewhere I can understand why people's minds might wonder.
Okay. Sometimes I am a crazy feminist. But not one of those really crazy ones.
The struggle is that I could easily get a job where I would work nights and weekends and generally be on the opposite schedule as Kennan. Up front, I acknowledge that I am lucky to have the privilege to even be choosy to pick a schedule. My husband has a good job that he loves, so stability worries are not an issue. I acknowledge that it makes me frustrating for some people. I get it, from an intellectual standpoint, I do.
However, in the last 7 years, we have been through hell and then back. We have dealt with divorce, moving all over tarnation, class re-takes, frustrating internship experiences, change to city life, change to Alaska life, family trauma, deaths of loved ones, financial hardship in major ways, unacceptable credit card usage issues, bad bad bad job experiences, depression, anxiety, 2 graduate degrees, and lots of other unmentionable things. I don't say this to have a pity party for us at all. We're okay. We still love each other. We're figuring things out.
I do say this to remind myself that we haven't had an easy marriage road.
And now, well, we'd like to be family. We'd like to have home cooked meals, a clean apartment, and the ability to be together in the evenings. We'd like to be able to go camping for a couple of days, go dip-netting for salmon, go berry picking, go hiking, and in general do the things that Alaska compels us to do. We'd like to be able to visit family, to see friends throughout the state, to make time to grow our own food, and to enjoy one another. Someday, we'd like to already have this lifestyle in place to provide the best possible life for our children. To allow them to have experiences that we didn't have.
Kennan's 'weekend' is sometimes Wednesday and Thursday. If I am working, we see each other on Sunday. Half of that day is spent with other people. You do the math.
My goal and hope is to live a simple, healthy, whole life. My sidebar on the blog says that I am a work in progress. I want to have time to know people. I want to have time to bake a meal for those who need it. I want to have time to walk to the beach. I want to have time to love my husband, really love him.
As I realize these truths I also realize that 2 people working 40 hour weeks and this vision don't exactly coincide.
But I already get the questions:
What do you do?
What do you want to do?
What do you do all day?
I was skyping with a friend a couple weeks ago and she said that living in Africa is very different. People there aren't defined by what they do. What they do isn't who they are. Who they are is what their life looks like. Who we are is what is important. She told me that she was happy for me and asked if I was enjoying being home and being who I am.
She noticed that I am mostly well. Or at least working on getting well.
So I am stuck. We don't need the money I could provide, but it would really help us big time. I have some visions, but we don't have start up capital.
I stand in need of some clue as to where I should go. In my heart I know what is important. I'm just trying to reconcile that with my actual life and figure out what to do.
I am on a tricky slope.
2 comments:
while you're waiting and pondering, do those things that Alaska compels you to do, before you have the responsibility of a full time job or children. and maybe in nature you will find your inspiration :) ahh, to go camping. i've also been having a hankering for it ever since warm weather arrived here.
Well, if it makes you feel better you aren't the only one. Q had/has to work 2 jobs, and still is, and had to work 7 days a week. He got 2 days off in 6 months. And that second day off with this past Sunday. Life throws you curves, and I feel you. You HAVE to figure it out. But it is 10:46 PM and the last time I saw my husband was this morning at 6:45 AM. You are so blessed to have the opportunity that allows you to make choices on work that grants you time with your husband. God will provide, He always does friend!
Oh and seriously, this wasn't to compare. It's just easy to fall into the trap of "it couldn't get any worse than my situation." and it ALWAYS could.
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