Acceptance

With everything that has been happening...or not happening, as the case may be...I have decided that I'm just going to have to put on my big girl britches and just accept that this is my life and there is NOTHING I can do about it.

Acceptance #1: I live in Alaska. It is far from my family and friends. Their lives continue, often without me knowing anything that is going on. We will be forgotten and left out sometimes. They are frustrated with us because we have chosen to live far from them. They will not understand our choices. But, I live in Alaska for at least the next 5 years of my life, so acceptance.

Acceptance #2: In this economic climate it doesn't matter that I have a master's degree. No one cares. So, I'm going to be a nanny for a 2 year old little boy for the summer. Well, if his parents like me during the 'trial run' of the next 2 weeks. I tend to come off great in interviews, but it takes me awhile to warm up with new people in person, especially when they want me to hang out with their child in front of them. So pray about that, because it would be nice to have this job. They pay well (like, exponentially well for child care), they seem kind, the little boy is cute and active (which gives me a reason to burn calories), and he loves the outdoors and it is summer in Alaska. Is it my lifelong dream to watch other people's kids? No. But it is a job that I can enjoy if I accept that this is my life and put my best foot forward.

Acceptance #3: After the summer I have no idea what I will do. I'm just going to have to let that go.

Acceptance #4: I'm just going to have to make a budget that basically says that we can barely pay the bills. And, I guess, try to stick to it even though it seems completely illogical to have a budget at this point because all we're doing is praying we can pay the bills. So, I need to accept that we're going to have to suck it up for the next few years because this isn't going to change. This is a hard one for me.

Acceptance #5: Talking 'real things' and 'emotions' with family just isn't going to work for us. We are too different and it causes angst, anxiety, anger, frustration, and stress for everyone involved. It is hard not to be truly real with the people who are supposed to be our soft place to land, but we gave up a long time ago. We just have to accept that this is what it is. And move on.

Acceptance #6: This apartment. It isn't great, but it is close to the beach and cheap for this area. I don't really like it, living downstairs really stinks, but this is probably our home for at least a year, probably 2 before we can afford anything else. So, here we are, and I need to just accept that.

Acceptance #7: I will always be on the margins of society and life. It has been true since preschool, so why would it change now? Acceptance of who I am...a person on the margins.

Acceptance #8: Fish will be a part of my diet on a 2 to 3 times a week basis for the foreseeable future. I just have to eat it because it is good for me. I don't have access to acceptable beef and I just need to deal with that.

Acceptance #9: I am not healthy and big and sweeping plans won't help. I've got to move my foot in one small and minute step every day and hope my backwards steps aren't too big. The wall is large and deep and painful. I have to accept who I am and also accept who I want to be. I have to accept that things have to change.

Acceptance #10: While everyone around me has babies and are treated like grown-ups because they do, I have to accept that we will not be having children for at least 2 more years and probably longer. It is what it is. I don't like it, but it is how it has to be. End of story. I just have to accept that we aren't where we wanted to be at this point in life and that isn't going to change.

Acceptance. It is so hard and yet will make my life so much easier. Just writing it down helps. Now I can return to it and remind myself that this is it.