Monumental Moments

Moment #1: A few weeks ago Kennan and I used our cast iron square griddle to make tortillas.
Big deal, right?

Here is the real story: we purchased this griddle while my parents were visiting us in Alaska during the Christmas season of 2011. The day after the fire we went to the apartment to look at the damage and face the truth. While walking around the back of the building we found this skillet thrown out onto the lawn. It was covered in ash and soot and was completely rusted and horrific looking. We picked it up that day because it was literally one of the only possessions we had left. The pan smelled horrific and we could barely stand to have it anywhere near us. On that day, we were able to salvage melted legos, a handful of half burned photos, a burned out computer tower, and this pan.

A couple weeks ago, Kennan decided to tackle the pan. He brought it upstairs to take steel wool to it. I literally ran from the room he was in because it still smelled like the fire. The smell took over me and I almost fell on the floor. Kennan slowly stuck with it and got all the fire remains off the pan and began to oil it back up.

We took our measly pan out for its first post-fire test drive. We made corn tortillas for our chicken enchiladas. They were good, the pan didn't smell, and to be really frank: I almost started to cry.

One thing, one thing from the fire has been redeemed.

While it may seem small and insignificant, it is actually a large hurdle, a monumental moment, an amazing piece of our history.

Moment #2: I sent the burnt hard drive to the company today. Several computer people have looked at it and assured us that it looks like the data is still intact. The trouble is that the container is damaged so it has to be opened in a 'clean room' and that costs a pretty penny...times a thousand at least. Up until now I have pushed this away because really? we don't have thousands of dollars to spare. Also - what if I spent thousands of dollars that I don't have only to get nothing in return?

But I need to know. We need to know. I need that proof that I lived - those photos, those documents, it is the playbook of our lives in some ways. It is the only playbook we have left. And taxes this year are going to be a beast...and all of my back tax documents are on the computer. And I can't get my taxes done by an official guru until I have the copies from the past. And I don't have them. And the government charges $57 per year (really). I feel sorry for the tax person and I sincerely hope that the money I am spending for them to do my taxes is worth what will happen in return.

Just sending the hard drive caused a flare up of my eczema on my knees and sinking in my gut. Hope is a hard thing to find in this situation. I'm trying to hope, though, that something else can be redeemed. If a pan can be brought back to life, surely a computer hard drive that is barely burned on the outside can be saved. Right?

Maybe, maybe with these moments under my belt  I will have the strength of will to begin to sew again. To begin to put pictures on the wall again. To believe that this new life we have created might be a safe place. That maybe, just maybe, everything will someday be alright.

Maybe.