I have been having a realization for the last 2 weeks. I have been hesitant to admit it, even to myself. But it is true, and I cannot deny it.
I am afraid of being who I am called to be.
Once I accepted that this fear was and is true, I began to ask myself why. Why am I afraid of being who I am called to be? These are the answers I have come up with:
Because I might mess up along the way.
Because some people cannot accept that God called me to this ministry.
Because God will probably require that I give some things up in my life. Things that well, to be honest, I don't want to give away just yet.
Because I will have to honestly share my passions and convictions with people who firmly disagree with me, and they have good reasons.
Because I have to relinquish my control because ministry has nothing to do with me.
Because it is already hard to be a pastor - and I have only been doing it for 4 weeks.
Because it is easier to stay in the cocoon of school and study than it is to actually do it.
Because it means moving away from the people I love.
Because it means some of the people I love will disagree with my call and it will feel like a battle.
Because I do not know if I am strong enough to keep fighting. I don't want to fight, but being a woman in ministry makes me feel defensive. I want this to change, but I'm not sure how to get there.
Because it will be painful.
Because it means reshaping what a pastor looks like for most people.
Because it means being myself, even when it is hard.
Because it means shedding some tears in front of the senior pastor - tears that I have to shed so he can help me.
Because it means I can't please everyone, and therefore everyone won't like me.
Because it means standing up for myself.
Because it means relying on God's power and not the power I think I have.
Because it means having a family the way Kennan and I believe is best...and not the way the world tells us a family has to operate.
Because it means some hardship and general strife for my husband and potential future children.
But I did learn something in seminary. A professor of mine, Paul DeNeui said, "If you can do anything else but ministry, do it." Not because ministry is bad, but because if ministry is not the primary, number one priority in your life, the number one call from God, then I shouldn't be doing it. The truth remains: I cannot live a different life than this. Although uncomfortable at times, this is who I am.
Creator of my life, help me to stop being afraid of who I am.
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My thoughts as I attempt to figure out my own life journey in the midst of trying to follow the Creator of that life.
About Me
- Alaina Beth
- Real food enthusiast. Quilt maker. Book reader. Sometimes biker and runner. Cat lover. Gardening newbie. Living in town hater. Lover of God, Frustrated with Church. Figuring it out.....slowly.
3 comments:
Wow, that was deep. And Paul rocks. His advice rings true for anyone in ministry. Have you been in touch with Tammy in Mason City or any others who have gone before you?
It's a scary journey. And I'm afraid it doesn't get easier (but that's only with 5 1/2 years of experience). There's a lot of pressure. Pressure to appease, pressure to succeed, pressure to not fail. ANd at the same time you know you're only true responsibility is to follow God. I don't think it's ever meant to be comfortable. Peace-filled, yes. Comfortable, no. There are still times when I wonder, "why am I doing this?" There are many times when a "normal" life seems much more appealing. But the reasons why are always there. And it's not like you can really step away. Because you know that you're where you're supposed to be. You're where God has called you to be. And no, it's not always easy. Or pleasant. But it's good. And you've trusted and put your faith in God. And that's what matters. And you keep going. And you keep seeking Him. And you go where He takes you.
I hear you Alaina! That's why we have each other.
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