So, life is interesting. This weekend I spent a lot of time wondering if I should just quit. It seemed much easier than living apart from my husband until September, being on call overnight, living with people I don't know, and generally because I am scared.
What I realized yesterday, as I lived through my first ever on call experience, is that I am just scared of this whole thing. I have never worked extensively with anyone who is elderly, so that is new territory. To top it off, I have never worked with anyone who has Alzheimer's or any form of dementia, so that is new territory as well. Literally, every day, people have completely forgotten that I talked to them yesterday. This makes pastoral care difficult. I have never been present at someone's death, so I really do not know what to say or do. Last night, when I was sitting in the on call apartment, completely exhausted and unable to sleep, I realized that I am just scared.
I am afraid of messing up. I am afraid that I will say something wrong or silly to someone. I am scared that I will get a call at 3am when I am completely exhausted and unable to process anything. I am afraid that my husband and I will grow apart because we aren't seeing one another. I am afraid that Kennan will find out his schedule and we won't be able to even see each other on weekends. I am afraid that I will fall over because this is just crazy.
Then today, I realized that I need to trust. I need to trust the CPE experience. Millions of people have lived through it. I can too. I need to trust that God is in control, that the Spirit really does live within me, and that I will receive the words I need in tough situations. I need to trust that God will provide for my relationship with Kennan over the distances. I need to trust that God really is in control, that death is a part of the life cycle, that I have nothing to be afraid of.
But trusting is hard. I want to be in control. I want to know what is going to happen tomorrow. I want to know that I will succeed and do well. I have to let go - and trust God and trust myself. But it is hard. And I'm scared. But I'm trying to take one day at a time. Just the strength for today, for this minute, for this hour. That is what I need. And I will make it. But keep praying.
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My thoughts as I attempt to figure out my own life journey in the midst of trying to follow the Creator of that life.
About Me
- Alaina Beth
- Real food enthusiast. Quilt maker. Book reader. Sometimes biker and runner. Cat lover. Gardening newbie. Living in town hater. Lover of God, Frustrated with Church. Figuring it out.....slowly.
4 comments:
I completely understand what you are feeling. I am scared to death too. I felt sick to my stomach the night before CPE started. I have my first on call on Sunday and I don't want to do it. I don't want to visit patients because I might say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. But this is important for us to go through. You and Kennan will be okay. Write letters, talk on the phone, and cherish the moments you have together. This is a season which has an end in sight also. Hang in there! I wish we were closer so we could go through this together.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I think everyone of us can relate to aspects of it...particularly the desire to be in control and unwillingness to trust. Know that I am praying for you!
We will add you to our prayer list. I have spent a life time learning to trust God fully. It isn't easy.
Saying a prayer for you right now...
Yeah, that control thing...was definitely working on that during CPE...I think it is a time that highlights how out-of-control we are in our lives in general. And I'm still really working on that trust thing!
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