Gut Reactions

It is August, can you believe it? 3 days left of CPE.

I received my supervisor's final evaluation of me. I did well, I passed quite a few of the CPE guidelines. I learned a lot.

No matter what, when I get evaluated, I feel bad. Even though all the things she said I should work on are true, even though she said more good and affirming things than bad, even though I passed with flying colors - my gut reaction was to be defensive. I wanted to defend myself, saying how those things she said weren't true.

The problem is - when our own sin and shortcomings are named by others it hurts. No matter what. It hurts to realize that I still have big sins hanging on. It hurts to realize that other people notice them. It hurts to realize that I still rush to defend myself when I know for sure that I am in the wrong.

These are things I need to work on. She is offering me help and care. She is helping me to become a better minister, a better caregiver. It is still hard to accept. That I have lots to work on. Even though this is helpful information, it still hurts when it is in black and white - for the seminary to read.