I am sort of like Harry Potter on the chess board with Ron and Hermione in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Every move I make will cost something. It could really hurt. My family could get stabbed by the queen. I could get stabbed by the queen. So I just sort of stand on my little chess square, afraid to move for fear that something bad will happen.
Should we stay in Alaska? I don't know. It is so expensive to live here. We're not making any progress on our school debt. I can't find a job to save my life. It costs me $1000 to see my family. We're not making ends meet. On the other side, there is free fish. Kennan works at a place that lets us use their equipment to work out for free...and we're actually doing it. Kennan can walk to work. There is ocean and mountains. There is amazing wildlife. There is endless midnight light in the summer. There are fresh berries.
Is it worth it? I'm not sure.
Should I just settle for a job somewhere? I don't know. It doesn't seem like a good plan, in any case.
The truth is that I am afraid. I know that someone, somewhere will be angry with my choices. No matter what. If we move, someone will be mad. Kennan's boss, our friends, our family, even us. If we stay, our parents will keep hinting at how expensive it is. Our friends will have children that we will never see.
One of my biggest dreams in life is to live without fear, in as much as that is possible. And here I am, completely disregarding that.
I have been living in fear that:
1. I'll be stuck here forever or that I'll move and wish I was still here.
2. That if I actually commit and try to lose weight and be healthy that I won't be able to do it.
3. That we'll never ever ever pay off our school loans.
4. That we'll never ever ever ever be able to afford to adopt children, which is my utmost desire.
5. That I'll die in a plane crash because I'm flying all the time. Or just that I'll get patted down in the airport.
6. That my teeth will fall out because I have no tooth enamel and expensive dental bills that I can't afford.
7. That in the midst of the looming decisions that are happening Kennan and I will utterly disagree about how to move forward.
8. That my education was a waste.
9. That I will have pimples until the day I die.
10. That I won't have kids until I am 40, because that is when I might be able to afford them.
11. That I'll stay in this stage of life forever, while everyone around me moves on and has more important things to talk about like mortgages, children, pets, and vacations.
But on this day, the darkest day of the year, when Alaska gets 5 hours of light, I am choosing to just move forward. I've got to conquer my fear and quilt this quilt for my brother. By tomorrow. I've got to just get my cavities filled, brush my teeth more, and know that eventually I'll be able to pay the dental bill. Keep exercising and commit to eating less sugar. To know that I went to seminary, and it was probably a good thing. To know that my friends will still love me as they move along the journeys of life. That Kennan and I will figure this thing called life out. That we will stay in our budget, we will save money, and we will be frugal enough to begin to make progress. That I will find a job because hey, I'm nice. That even if I have pimples when I'm 80 my husband will love me.
Because you know what? Sometimes you just have to conquer your fear.
3 comments:
sometimes i read your blog posts and i think, "wow- we really are soul sisters." while 2 lives will never be the same, i can empathize with so much of what you say and are going through. a couple helppful hints i've had to tell myself in my own dark times: 1)don't compare yourself to other people. just because you don't have money to adopt or don't have children, pets, a mortgage, or vacations, or even a job right now, does not mean your life is not valid or worthwhile. the cultural norm isn't really that normal, and i'm sure you of all people do know that, deep down. 2) you're right, no matter what decision you guys make, someone will be affected by it, and maybe not for the better. but it's your life, and you are really the only person who has to live with the choices you make. (and going back to #1- you live an extremely important life for anyone to be affected by where you are and what you do.)
3) i feel the same way when it comes to food and being healthy, and not being able to afford the dentist. and you're one of the healthiest people i know- who else in my life makes their own flour??? weight is not always true to size. and it's okay to have a little sugar every now and then ;)
and lastly, i love you. and i miss you. but i won't plead with you to move back to iowa, because that would be selfish. i just want you to be happy friend :)
I totally relate to you! Not in every way, but a lot! And I KNOW that what I'm about to say is NOT helpful BUT Clarissa and I would LOVE for you to move to Colorado and join the mile high knitting club. Q and I are at the "what next?" point as well.
Yeah, I second La. Also, yeah, it's so hard to live without fear. So hard. I am constantly afraid of myself, my life, my decisions, and everyone/everything else. (sigh) I know that things will work out for you, and that you will be able to succeed. Really. Also, I love you, friend.
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