Throughout my life, God has been trying to teach me to think before speaking. My mom tried to teach me, my dad tried to teach me, my husband has tried to tell me, my friends, etc. For some reason, I just can't get it through my thick head.
For the record, my head is so thick. Just when I think I have learned something it whacks me again, right in the nose. Then I realize that I'm still a jerk, even when I thought I wasn't.
Sometimes there is just no excuse for it. The simple truth is that I let my emotions guide my typing, my speaking, my thinking. The part that is hard is when people say it is because I am an "emotional woman". That actually isn't the problem, the problem is that I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve and just...overshares, overstates, and overexaggerates the problem.
Which doesn't help my cause or my case. At all.
Men are emotional too and I think this is more of a personality thing. A thing I need to get in control. I'm 27, for goodness' sake. Do you think I'll ever stop putting my foot in my mouth?
Will I ever learn? Any older wiser people out there who can say they've actually learned this lesson and lived to tell the tale? Anyone, anyone? Bueller?
God has taught me a lot in the last 24 hours. The first is that this whole mess is ugly. The moving here, quitting my job, changing jobs, small community, frustration, moving to Homer thing...it is ugly. Pretty things haven't really happened. In the last two years, the moments of spectacular joy have been few. Our almost 7 year marriage has been wrought with hardship after hardship. Move to the big city, Kennan school frustration twice, major debt, seminary/job hardship, moving 3500 miles, dislike of job, feeling displaced, moving something like 10 times, not having many friends to turn to. Worried that the friends you do have will leave, because that is what always happens. This whole thing is ugly. Slowly, it is turning into joy. There are moments of joy. There are moments of redemption. There are moments when I cry because of my hand in the whole thing.
The second thing God has taught me is that there are people, however few and far between that I perceive them to be, in this mess called life. Sometimes it just feels like there isn't anyone here to talk to. Sometimes I really do convince myself that nobody likes me and that I have no friends.
It is a consequence of being home alone almost all day, every day. I can convince myself of things that aren't true.
God has told me, again, to remember. To remember the beautiful people, the people who have loved us. To remember that we do have some friends. Yes, they may not be many, but they are mighty. The people who stand by you and listen to you and love you even when you're a bumbling idiot. Even when you put your foot so far in your mouth that you think you'll never pull it out again.
So, I'm choosing to remember. I'm choosing to remember that even if there are only 2 or 3 people helping us, that those 2 or 3 people are there because they love us. They are sad we're moving, but excited for us.
Even if we had to do it all alone (which we don't) there would be grace.
Even if moving is stressful and I can't find a job and our new apartment is small, Kennan will still love me. There are friends from Soldotna that will come visit us, and we will visit them.
Even if I cry exponentially during the next week and most of the day today, even if it feels like summer will never come, even if I am a bumbling idiot yet again, even if the dark seems to shine brighter than the light in my life, even if....there is resurrection and redemption at the end. Even in the darkness, the light shines.
Even in my weakness, God helps me to remember. My friends help me to remember.
I am not alone, even when I convince myself that I am.
The darkness that has been a steady and constant friend for the last 2 years is still present. The harsh words still exist. My own failings are still evident and pronounced. But I am choosing, today, to remember.
To remember that people love me and care about me.
To remember that my parents only make comments about our move because they so desperately love us and want us to be around because they love us.
To remember that this girl my brother's marrying really is just girly...and that's okay, it is just different than me.
To remember that I have friends. Friends who remember me. Friends who will help. People who love. People that I need to remember. Because they are there and they are powerful.
So, my confession is that I am an idiot, sometimes. I let the darkness overtake and overstate. I'm trying to let the light in.
But right now, the light is hard for me. So I'm trying to remember.
2 comments:
I love you dear friend. You and our friendship mean so much to me.
I totally understand about putting my foot in my mouth! I feel like I attract drama EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I feel like noone likes me, but HELLO that's dumb. I mean, just take a moment, and think about it. Um, I'm not calling you dumb, mmmmmmk?! I pray that your move is swift and though I've only met you like twice I DO consider you a friend. And if I truly needed you, I think you'd be there for me!
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