How do you know?

A big question on my mind lately is: how do you know? How do you know when God is calling you to go somewhere and not somewhere else? Is it an either/or situation or is it a possibility that there are a variety of options and our job is to choose one and serve faithfully?

I have had lots of advice from people much wiser than me. I am still unsure. Is being scared necessarily a bad thing? I have been in school for 20 years. Kennan and I have never known marriage without school. Kennan and I have never known marriage without the burden of FAFSA, school loans, homework. We have also never known marriage where we are working in the world, paying off our debt, and honestly thinking about the next phase of our lives. This is scary. I think acknowledging that fear is exceedingly helpful.

I am freaked out. I know I was called to seminary. I trust and believe that there is a place for us. It isn't any of that. There is just a sense of bewilderment about what life is like without school, without pre-made community in school. What would it be like to move somewhere where everyone else has kids? What will it mean to move away from dear friends? Is it a good idea to choose yet another transitional environment for life?

This is hard. This whole thing is hard. It is hard to focus on school when life after school is banging on the door. It is hard to know where God is leading. It is hard to trust that there is a place for us. It is hard to think about repaying that gigantic sum of money. It is hard to think about moving away from the people I have grown to love, especially when I am only just beginning to know them. It is hard to even think about moving yet again.

Sometimes it is hard to breathe. Then I remember that there is always tomorrow. Or later today...