Too Much Time to Think

Kennan has been gone since last Thursday...and he is gone until this Thursday taking classes. Therefore, I have been alone a lot with many hours to think. I also got very sick this weekend and haven't worked yet this week (at least at the office) because of a temperature. So, I've been working from home in between nap taking. So even more hours to think.

Something I cannot get out of my mind is a quote from Miroslav Volf at Midwinter, "God is closer to you than you are to yourself." Wow. Even though cognitively I know this, when Volf said it my heart was pierced. Often, I perceive God as something 'outside' of myself, something that I have to explain myself to, someone to be worshipped and adored, but not so much someone extremely personal.

Last week we had an Ash Wednesday service, which I was the prime instigator of. As Lent begins, I think it is highly important to remember that 'we are dust, and to dust we will return.' No matter who we are, the effect of sin has reached us. The redeeming work of Christ is all that can save us. As I think about this Savior, who often seems very other from myself, I thought of Volf's quote about how close God is to me. I realized that I often forget something important about Jesus - that he was human. He walked around, kicked dirt, ate and slept, laughed with his friends, had brothers and sisters, he had to learn carpentry from his father, he was human. God came down to earth for me, for you, for us. This God that I worship is not only 'other', but was someone like me (despite the maleness). Jesus understands what it is like to live on earth.

God is closer to me than I am to myself.

Also this week, I was required to write a biblically based position paper on my perspectives about women in ministry. As I wrote the paper I realized that I really have something to stand on. I realize this sounds silly, a woman in seminary, doing a pastoral internship, just now realizing her life calling has biblical basis? In all honesty, I believed it was true before, but I didn't have the words to explain biblically why I believe that the Bible affirms women in all areas of ministry. That the Spirit does not, in fact, base gift-giving on gender. That there are numerous examples of women in leadership positions in both the OT and NT. That Jesus changed the world for women. That I no longer have to live under the curse of Genesis 3:16 - because Jesus overcame it! As I wrote this paper, I felt lifted up, I felt redeemed. Even if I get a bad grade, (which is always possible, especially since I haven't written a paper in 6 months), I have learned so much about myself, about Scripture, and about truth. I feel like I can stand on my own two feet.

I am a pastor. I am a woman. And I believe that these two things are not mutually exclusive. And this is the first time I have been able to say that without any flinching. Amen.