Wow - sometimes I do things to myself that are so amazingly stupid. I'm preaching this Sunday. This has been planned since before Christmas. My parents and my grandma are coming. I am excited about that.
I'm preaching on John 20, the story of Jesus coming and bringing peace to the disciples, and the story of Thomas' initial unbelief. I prefer not to call him 'doubting' Thomas. I just don't like it. The reason is this: I don't want to peg Thomas because I AM Thomas. I decided to preach on this text a few weeks ago - before the church blew up. Now I feel like Thomas.
I sat in church yesterday, what should be the most joyful day of the church year, and I did not feel joyful. I felt crabby. I was frustrated that everyone around me was acting like they are friends who love each other when I witnessed firsthand how they treated one another last week. It felt like a big show, a big lie. It made me mad. And I was glad that the resurrection of Jesus does not depend on my stupid feelings. Praise God for that.
I feel doubtful. Not, as Thomas did, about the truth of the resurrection, but about whether people really want to follow the resurrected Lord. (This includes me.) I am doubting the church right now. And I'm a pastor, go figure. I'm supposed to preach about it this week. Go figure. My decision to preach on this text is coming back to haunt me. Which is probably good, because I need to deal with this. But the honest truth right now is - I don't want to. I feel like being crabby. How's that for honest?
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My thoughts as I attempt to figure out my own life journey in the midst of trying to follow the Creator of that life.
About Me
- Alaina Beth
- Real food enthusiast. Quilt maker. Book reader. Sometimes biker and runner. Cat lover. Gardening newbie. Living in town hater. Lover of God, Frustrated with Church. Figuring it out.....slowly.
4 comments:
Doubting the church, eh? I don't feel equipped to tell you not to doubt the church right now. But I am realizing that the church is made up of people. Sinner-type-people. Sometimes the weakest ones are actually among the leadership. It's ironic (maybe that word is too polite).
I am realizing that the church that Jesus intends for us is a much better manifestation than the sinner-type-people that we happen to be can manage to muster on most good days. Yesterday I didn't feel like saying "happy" Easter, either. I know in my bones that Jesus' resurrection is a very, very good thing for us right now (and always). But it's too complicated for "happy."
And in the midst of feeling let down by this church or that church, I also know in my bones that THE CHURCH is a wonderful thing. And even if that doesn't exist for me on Sunday right now, it's surrounding me all week.
I will definitely pray for your personal journey as you prepare and for God to use this in both your life and in the life of the church!
How'd it go? (the preaching, I mean)
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