Turkey - blech - giving thanks - blech. That is a line that Chandler says on the TV show Friends about Thanksgiving. He hates Thanksgiving, for a variety of reasons, and none of the other characters understand him. They want him to be happy and celebrate the holiday.
I sort of feel like Chandler. Not totally because I really am thankful for many things in my life. I am thankful that I have an apartment, and I like living there. I am super thankful for my friends right now. I am thankful that this school business is nearing its end in the next year.
However, it is comical, that when I tell the truth about where I am at, people want me to be someone different. I said something like this to Kennan last weekend, "I have finally figured out who I am. Not who I want to be, or who I could be, but I finally know who I am. I may not always love this person, but this is me, and I am trying hard to be real and help people see the real me. Why is it that being the real me causes people to tell me to be somebody else?"
That may not make sense to you, but I've been fleshing it out in my head and heart. Over the last couple of years, I have done lots of soul searching, trying to find the center of my being. I wanted to understand what was and is at my core so that I can be honest and true. So that I know what I need and how I am doing. I have discovered lots of things about myself, some pretty, some ugly. The journey has been smooth and rough, high and low. The truth is that right now, in these moments, I feel more like myself than I ever have. In my heart of hearts, I know who I am. I know where I want to go.
This knowledge has been interesting. Sometimes this knowledge of myself has made others uncomfortable. I am a person who does not need answers to questions. I am a person who does not mind telling the truth about how I feel about life and how I feel about God. Because I know where my roots go and I understand as well as I currently can. The funny part is that when I tell the truth about where I am, people question my knowledge of myself, or my trust in God, etc. I have seen this happen to others, and I guess this is where I am ending up:
I feel like I trust God more now than I ever have because I am currently willing to tell God the beautiful and ugly truth. I am willing to talk to God about how I feel, where I'm at, and what I don't understand. And I think God can handle anger, and frustration, and concern. I think the psalmist does an amazing job of showing us what we can say to God. It is better to be honest than pretend, right?
So, with all that said, life is really crappy right now. I don't feel thankful. I don't feel like celebrating. I don't even feel like smiling. I thought today of how I won't receive the ugly turkey card from my dear grandma and it really made me sad. (Seriously, the turkey cards were SO ugly.) I thought today of how this will be our first thanksgiving apart from our families and it made me sad. I thought today of how overwhelming the next few weeks feel, and I felt like I was looking up at Mt. Everest, wondering if I have the strength to climb.
God is here. I trust God will carry me through. But that doesn't mean I am happy. It doesn't mean I understand. It just means that someone else is in control. Hallelujah for that.
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2 comments:
Nice to see the long blog. :)
I think you know this, but others seem to be telling you different - you can be sad and trust in God. I think that is an acceptable feeling in your life right now.
I'm sorry that the both of you can't be with your families next week. :/ That is blech. Enough said.
Wow, I never post things but I decided to today, and here Justin's beaten me to it. Humph. Anyway, I'm glad you are an honest person. That's hard to come by in people these days. Enjoy your time together tomorrow.
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