Warning!

**FYI: This post is long. Very long. This post makes controversial statements. It is cool if you disagree. I like to talk and discuss and think things through. This post starts a journey that you might not like. Consider yourself warned.**

For the past decade I have struggled immensely with the Bible, with the church, with Christians. As a young woman, the Bible was threatened into me by the church my family attended (not by my family, though, because I want to be really clear). God was a God who saw me as 'bad'. Then, I magically said a two sentence prayer and all of the sudden I was 'good'. Apparently inviting Jesus into your 'heart' brought with it some sort of magic.

Growing up, the church told me that many things were 'sin'. I was told a lot of interesting things. Drinking alcohol was a sin. Having sex was really bad. Revelation (there is no 's' people) was literal. Paul's words were more important to follow than the words of Jesus Christ. Men were more important than women. Homosexuality was something to make fun of, something really bad. Spanking was acceptable. Saying swear words was the pit of evil. Wearing a tank top could get you in big trouble. Or a skirt above your knees. Or a v-neck. Women caused all of these problems because, after all, Eve started it. Harry Potter was evil. So were most things, actually. Rated R movies were from the pits of hell. White people were obviously the best because women were allowed to be missionaries over there to those people, but they weren't allowed to be pastors here. Oh, and rich people were the best too, because they had money to give to the church. God was a boy. Jesus' mom never had sex.

Nobody told me that Jesus put the mistreated people first.

Nobody told me that God loved girls just as much as boys.

Nobody told me that materialism was a sin. Or gluttony. Or anything that would really mean changing people's lives in the pew.

Apparently the Holy Spirit didn't have much of a place because the Spirit wasn't mentioned.

The things that were sin were things that were 'other', things that happened to 'bad people'. Not things good Christians did every day.

The Bible was literal truth. Every word was completely infallible. Apparently it was also a science textbook. Oh yeah, and a history book too.

So I walked away. I pretended to still be 'in'. I worked at youth conventions, I worked at Bible camp, I went to Christian college, heck - I even went to seminary. I worked at a church for a year. I realized that 'Christian' people weren't always so nice. In fact, they shoved people out who confronted their real issues. People who made them think. I took a job at a 'Christian' place. I did everything I was supposed to do. But I stopped really believing a lot of it.

I still held to the basic tenets, but everything else seemed crazy. I pretended to believe in a literal 7 day creation, that sex before marriage was wrong, that homosexuality was a sinful thing, that God was a boy, that injustice was okay, that good women didn't like sex. And all the other things. There isn't anything wrong with believing some of these things, but for me, they were all tied together in a lumpy, scary mass.

Inside, however, I was going crazy. Then all hell broke loose. Maybe not outwardly, but inwardly. I just got mad. Mad at everyone. I felt like everyone had lied to me. But I put on a smile, because that is what you do in church. You don't tell people what is really going on. You pretend. When I did try to tell people about my struggles with being a woman in church or other injustice issues I basically was viewed as someone who had issues I needed to work out. By people who were my close friends. So I learned that trying to talk about issues was viewed as a threat when people didn't agree. So I stopped talking.

I told one of my good friends that I wasn't sure God existed. I was serious. I was scared.

You know what she said?

Of course God exists, Alaina. You just need to believe harder.

Thanks, thanks. I don't think that will help, but thanks.

I still believe, but the Triune God that I see isn't the same one I used to see. I think we judge a lot more than God does. I think God sees us through eyes of love and hope. I think salvation is a lifelong process. It doesn't happen in a moment, it happens each and every day in small, sometimes minute ways.

I would like to thank my friends who helped me open up my radar screen. Those who had sex before marriage and helped me to think, to love, to change. Those who are homosexual and stronger people of God than I am have helped me to think, to love, to change. Those who have helped me see politics from both sides of the aisle and think through my preconceived ideas of everyone. Those who have asked me why, if God was speaking to people in the Bible and showing them new things, then couldn't God STILL be speaking to people and showing them new things? The Bible isn't the end. It is the beginning.

People think I have been open on this blog. But I haven't. The deeper things have still been hidden because I have been afraid. There are some people who read this blog who I KNOW completely disagree with a lot of things I just said. So I thought 'what if they don't like me anymore?' and I kept quiet. I had people tell me over Christmas to be careful what I shared in public spaces, but the truth is - if I ever do work for a church again (which is doubtful at this point) then they need to know who I am. And if this helps them decide I'm not for them, then good. I don't want to be somewhere where I cause dissension and strife anyway. I want to be somewhere where questions and honest discussion are valued.

I'm sort of done with being quiet. Kennan is done with being the only person who hears these things. In the coming days, months, and weeks I hope to slowly write about who I am now and how I got here. Not everyone will like it, but it is helping me to be who I am.

A friend said this to me a couple weeks ago, "Alaina, it sounds to me like you need to stop feeling guilty. It sounds like you need to take time to heal from your wounds. You're a writer - write it down. Let people know." So I'm here, writing it down.

And I don't feel bad about it. I feel free.