Husband, Friends, Relationships

Kennan and I are eclectic. I love that about us. I've been thinking a lot about the two of us lately. Our 4 year anniversary is Thursday. It feels like we have been together forever and yet together for such a short time. Sometimes I feel like I know everything about him there is to know - other times I wonder if I actually know anything about him at all.

Relationships are hard. My relationship with Kennan is extremely hard work. I choose to wake up and love him every day. When I don't make that choice - bad things happen for him, for me, for us.

I've been realizing recently that I cannot be everything to and for everyone. I have to be me. There have been moments in our marriage, particularly in the last 18 months, where I have attempted to make Kennan better - to make him happier, to make his attitude change, etc. This doesn't work. I cannot change him and I cannot make him be who I want him to be. This is also true for him. The problem is though, I do try to bend to what he wants me to be sometimes instead of being myself. He does the same sometimes. This also happens to me in friendships. I get concerned about whether someone will like me - or think I am funny - or want to talk to me - and I change who I am just a little for everyone.

I really hate that about myself. Most of the time I think I am comfortable in my skin. The rest of the time I just don't know. I feel, especially in the last year, that I have been called to be so many things at once: wife, friend, pastor, mentor, confidant, encourager, teammate, soulmate, child care provider, quilter, youth pastor, leader, daughter, daughter-in-law, traveler, intern, lover, student, etc.

Right now I feel overwhelmed. I just cannot be everything to everyone. I am getting to that point in my life where I have to choose. I now know so many people that I just cannot be true, intimate friends with everyone. Something has to give. I just don't know what. I WANT to be everything for everyone. I just can't.

But I've decided that right now, the husband must come first because he needs me. He just does. And this summer, we won't have each other. So right now, togetherness is needed. Everyone else will just have to wait...