Waiting.
Patience.
Things I am not good at.
I have always clung tightly to advent in recent years (after discovering advent existed), printing off our plan for nightly reading, candle lighting and singing. We bring our wreath along as we drive around (or fly, in this year's case) to the homes of our family members because it is important to us that we wait.
Christmas isn't until December 25th, you know. And it lasts until January 6. Not December 26.
I have a tree, it is up. Our Christmas decor is up in our home.
But, it is advent. And so we wait.
This year, we wait for many things. We wait for Christ to come again, we wait for the celebration of Jesus' birth. We wait, with Mary and Joseph, to see this thing that has happened. We, like the shepherds, want to run to Bethlehem, but we are forced to go slowly. We are forced to wait for four weeks. It takes time, you see, to reach the celebration.
We are waiting for answers to our questions. We are waiting to know if we should stay or go. We are waiting to find a job. We are waiting to see our families. We are waiting on children because of everything else.
In this Advent season, I find myself doubting much more than I believe. At the risk of being too forthcoming, there are many moments in recent days and weeks when I completely doubt the existence of God. It is moments, not whole days, but they happen. And they are real. They have been real, they will be real. Praying, Bible reading, Christian-ese words, they don't help. So don't speak them, don't type them.
I have been afraid to reveal this truth to those around me. But lately - I question more than I have in the past. My doubts are bigger than my mustard seed. My faith is small.
Something about Advent, though, has stopped me cold. I still printed out our plan. I still sat down with my Kennan to read prophetic words from Isaiah, to light the first candle, to sing 'O Come, O Come Emmanuel', to say 'Come, Lord Jesus'. And I will sit again tonight, continuing on this Advent journey. I don't know where this journey ends. And it scares me.
I used to know, and now I don't. I cling to the few truths I still believe in and pray that they will grow back into the faith that I once knew.
Happy Advent, dear readers. May God come close to all of us in the coming hours, days, and weeks.
Even so, come Lord Jesus.
1 comment:
Doubt is healthy. I'm sorry you're in its lots-of-no-fun grasp, though.
PS I think the advent thing is cool. Jimmy's not really on board. He doesn't understand the church calendar. (Thanks for nothing there, Church of Christ.) Still, there is something really powerful about advent and about intentionally waiting.
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