I have been on many journeys throughout these last few years of my life. The journey of marriage, the journey of graduation, the journey of seminary, the journey of pastor, the journey of chaplain, the journey of friendship, the journey of grief.
The most important journey for me in recent years has been the journey towards being healthy. As I journeyed with one of my friends today down a trail in Chicago I realized how long this journey has been. We have been friends since my first year of seminary, and it was great to start to discuss how much this particular journey has shaped and formed my years at North Park.
The truth is, this journey is not just about health. It is not about weight. It is not about exercise. What this journey is really about is being accepted for who I am. In my existence, the church I grew up in told me I wasn't 'okay'. I was not allowed to use my gifts and talents because I was the wrong gender. (I was actually told once by someone that if I had a penis I would be a great pastor, just in case you thought I was being over dramatic. Really.) Therefore, somewhere, somehow, my inner being decided that this meant that God had created me 'wrong'; that the God of the universe did not really accept or like me in this form.
This hurt.
When my grandmother died, I was forced to go back to that land. To the land of the church that really broke my heart. To see all the faces - to hear the stories - to be in the space. None of this negates why I was there - but it was a part of my journey at my grandmother's visitation and funeral. It was painful. Painful to share who I am now and see the looks of horror and confusion and frustration.
What I realized after this was the following: I didn't care anymore what they thought. This is a huge thing for me. This means that I have begun to accept myself as who God created me to be - a woman with leadership qualities - a woman who is also pastor.
You may say that this has nothing to do with health. For me it has everything to do with health. I believed that my being wasn't 'acceptable', that somehow I had been created 'wrong'. Why would I take care of something that was inherently 'wrong'?
What a journey. I'm still walking. The road is rough. But I'm going somewhere.
And that is my amazing realization of Tuesday.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
My thoughts as I attempt to figure out my own life journey in the midst of trying to follow the Creator of that life.
About Me
- Alaina Beth
- Real food enthusiast. Quilt maker. Book reader. Sometimes biker and runner. Cat lover. Gardening newbie. Living in town hater. Lover of God, Frustrated with Church. Figuring it out.....slowly.
4 comments:
Yay God! I celebrate His work in you!
Wow, this has got to be a fantastic aha moment for you!
A funny little twist on the who I am and how I am perceived bit... recently a guest at work told me that I don't look authoritative because I'm short.
My response: That's funny because I am authoritative!
People.
One thing my spiritual director used to tell me a lot was the way things were connected. I.e. how a little thing like getting mad at other drivers can be more related to some of the bigger issues in my life and what that means. I still don't comprehend it, but it good to hear that other people can grasp those concepts.
It's amazing to think how much God can grow us and change us in the matter of a few short years. But He is good and faithful always... and never done with the process He has each of us on. I'm thankful for that because I know He sees us in such a better place in the days to come. I also know that if I knew where that place was right now that I would cower in a corner because I am not ready for that revelation in my life. So be blessed for those moments that we can check into the glimpses of where God is leading us.
Post a Comment